User talk:Lawiki

Laugh away:

I know how to divide by zero.

I haven't figured out the mathematical/physical ramifications of my discovery all the way, yet, but needless to say I feel a great responsibility to research its effects on reality before publishing my work.

Like I said, laugh away, but I've outpaced Einstein and Steven Hawking by discovering math they couldn't envision and I'm withholding my ideas until I'm ok with understanding what will happen to the public when I expect to release this new, outrageously simple but pretty damn profound teaching that will redefine our view of reality and space/time.

Again, laugh, but be ready to eat crow later.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

Greta Thunberg is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the UN climate summit after party. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her on CNN She laughs. I get my drink. "Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Greta Thunberg? She touches her neck as she watches me leave. Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette. "Got a spare?" she asks. "What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles. "Conversation with me, duh." I laugh. "What's so funny?" she protests. "Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?" "You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter. "What would you do if you weren't a climate change activist?" I ask. "Teaching, I think." "And if I was your student, what would I be learning?" "Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?" "Mexico" I say. "Oh wow. That's lovely." "It's OK," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking." "What could possibly be not to your liking in Mexico?" she inquires. "I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

The world we live in. It's so... Wondrous. Mysterious. Even magical. No... No no no.. Not that world. I meant this one. The smartphone. Each system and program app is it's own little planet of perfect. Technology. All providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. Look who just sent me a text! Addie McCallister? It must be a mistake. Or a joke. Or a scam! Don't send her your social security number. She's right there! That's our user, Alex. And, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. And, because the pace of life gets, faster and faster... Phones down in five. And attention spans get shorter and shorter... And... You're probably not even listening to me right now. Who has the time to type out actual words? And that's where we come in. The most important invention in the history of communication! Emojis. That's my home! Textopolis. Here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. Christmas tree just has to stand there, all festive. Merry christmas! It's still september, Tim! And princesses... I am so pretty. They just gotta wear their crowns and keep their hair comb. We are so pretty. Devil, Poop, Thumbs Up, they just show up and they're good to go. But for the faces, the pressure is on. Cryer always has to cry, even if he just won the lottery. Hurray, i'm a millionaire! Laugher's always laughing, even if he's just broken his arm. Ahh!! Ah! I can see the bone!! Ah ah ah ah ah... And me, i'm a meh. So I gotta totally be over it all the time, you know? Like meh, who cares. Which is not as easy as it sounds. I gotta be mehhhhhhhhh I GOTTA! Be! Mehhhhhhhhh. Morning, Mrs. D, I see you have the little minis with ya! Oh, they're so... Cute! NYAH, SO ADORABLE, I CAN'T TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER GET THEM TO SLEEP! STICK TO YOUR ONE FACE, WEIRDO. OLE! OLE! OH NO! OH NO! It's hard to only act blasé. When, living in Textopolis is.... Just so exciting! Hello, good simeans! Those are some sharp attaches! Yes, well we have business to attend to. What kind of business? Monkey business. Ha ha ha ha, I sounded british. Meh... Oh, that was really good.. Meh? Meh... Meh ha ha... What the freak ya doing there, mate? Practicing. Today is my first day on the phone. Oh, droit. I'm gonna be so.. Meh. What are you going to do? Blah! Me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! Woo! Puh-zow! Gooday, mate! Hey, konichiwa! Sorry emoticons!! Oh, I hate knocking over the elderly.. Let me help, let me help... Oh, my colon!!! Ducks... Hey, is that the time? HEY, my eyes are up here, pal! Woo ooh hoo! Woo hoo! Right on time! And last week, Alex sent me next to THIS text! Huh? Huh? HA HA HA THAT ELEPHANT PISSED HIMSELF HA HA HA AH HAH HA HAH HAH UH HUH HUH why are YOU laughing, freak? Ho ho ha ha ha! Now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. Gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now. Gene so help me I swear oh, he was, I remember. Let's go see if you can get it right. I have some bad news, Gene, and i'm afraid that you'll have the wrong reaction. Ok, what's the wrong reaction? Anything other than meh. Come on! I don't want to be late! I'm not letting you go to work today. Wait, WHAT? You're just not ready, son. Come on!! Working in a cube is an Emoji's whole purpose in life! Everybody my age is working on the phone except for me! Oh sweetie, that's not true. Ow! YEAH! I'm going to work on the phone and I'm only ten! That's because I believe in you! Should we wash our hands? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We're number two! We're number two! See? I, I know i'm different, ok? But, I need to... I can be meh... I just... Want to be a working emoji, you know, like... Everybody else... And then... I would finally fit in, you know? Ah, you fit in, honey. No I don't, mom. I never have. But I could change all that if you just let me! Just give me a chance! But what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? No dad, i'll make the right face! Look! Meh? You're so handsome when you make that face. I think he's ready, Mel. Meh. Come on, dad. Let me prove it to you. If you really think you're ready... YES! Yes I am! I promise I won't let you down! Wow! Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you! Oh, it's really her! Oh, pizza! First day on the job, hi, hi! Don't be nervous! I won't bite! Hi, i'm Smiler! Ho ho ho ho ho... DON'T TOUCH ME! Hi! I mean.. Hey.. As you know, i'm Smiler, i'm the system supervisor here, because I was the original emoji. Here's how it works. It's nothing fancy! Wait a minute... It's really fancy! You each have your own cube on the emoji bar! If Alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up! It's showtime! The scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to Alex's text box. And let me tell you guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. A har, you're gonna love it. Now over here is the favorites section, where you'll find all the most popular emojis. And of course, you'll find my cube here. Whoo. You are smooth. Just doing my duty. Ha ha ha! What did I say? Come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted? Steven, for the last time, I don't want to buy a timeshare. Come on, man, it's Hi-5! You know me! I'm a favorite! Alex hasn't picked you in weeks. When he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite. There's gotta be some sort of mistake, I mean, look at me, i'm an attractive, hand-giving Hi-5! Oh! Fistbump! Come on in! Hey, ladies! FISTBUMP? He's a knucklehead! Literally! Look at him, I can look like that! Ugh, ow, cramp.. Big mistake.. Oh... Help me.. Help up a hand.. Oh... Here you go... Thanks mate... Hey, little man, how about you create a distraction, and i'll just slip under the rope! Uh, oh, is someone lost? Smiler, hiya, just leaving. Yeah, you know, just killing time before I go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can't even See Me ANYMORE! You may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place, in a cube! Yeah, in the nosebleeds... Uh, i'm standing right here? Words hurt. The most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself... Basically, happy itself... I am always smiling... Places, please! Emojis to your cubes! Attention, we've got incoming! Gotta be meh, gotta be meh. Oh my gosh, my own cube! I can't believe it... Oh, I could put a plant over here, and over here could go an inspirational calendar, okay, gotta be meh... Look at our son get on there, i'm beaming... With pride! You don't think he'll actually get picked, do you? Hieroglyphics. Hieroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. Does that remind anyone of anything. Hello. A language of pictures... Anyone? Early hieroglyphics back in ancient... I gotta reply to Addie's text! What should I write? Nothing! Nothing? Words aren't cool. Ok, be cool, be cool... Alright, Alex is not sure how he wants to play this... Oh! I would really love it to be me! Beam me up! Beam me up! I need thumbs up on standby! Oh yeah! Thumbs up is going in! Wait! Alex is changing his mind! He's moving! Ok, looks like it's gonna be meh... I'm so nervous, I could almost shrug. We are go for meh! Initiating scan! Okay, you can do this. Ah! I can't do this! I can't do it! Stop the scan! I can't, it's too late! Oh! What's he doing? He's making the wrong face! Good for him, little... Wait, what? Ugh. Abort, abort! Oh, shi... Shut it down, shut it down! Ah! What is that emoji? All the emojis present, evacuate the cube! Evacuate the cube! I gotta get out of here! I'm trying! Oh, jeez. Sorry, everybody. That is not what I meant to do! I kinda.. I kinda panicked.. Are you even a meh at all? Uh, who, me? Like you are, is a malfunction! A malfunction? No, I can be meh, just give me one more chance? You know what would be really fun? A board meeting, where we can find out what to do with you! I just wanted to be useful, you know, fit in! Now everybody's calling me a malfunction. I am a malfunction. Even if you are a malfunction, Gene, your mom and dad still love ya. I knew you weren't ready. Let's get you out of here and take you home. One day, all of this will blow over, and everyone will almost forget about what you did. Until then, you should probably stay locked up in the apartment. Wait, you're gonna hide me away? You're embarrassed of me. It's for your own safety. We're trying to protect you, son. Gene, where are you going? I'm not going to run away from this. I'm an emoji, and, even though i'm not exactly sure which one... I've gotta have some sort of purpose here, I know it. Gene, no! Sweetie, please! So, how'd it go, Gavel? Hey, Lightbulb, tell me what's going on in there. What... Poop... What is it? Tell me turd, tell me truth. What happened? I know it was an accident. We all have accidents you're so soft, Poop. Not too soft, I hope. I came up here to defend myself, but, uh, you seem pretty happy. So, good news? I'm always happy. Oh, right, yeah, truth. But the only thing that could ever make me unhappy, is if one of our emojis has made a mistake. Which would cause Alex to lose faith in the phone... And then, our whole gets wiped out! Smiler, I devil pinky swear promise to you that I will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again. Oh, we know you won't, Gene. We know you won't! Ha ha, you know, the first time you said it it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it, and, and then, now it's weird. We're setting you up! With our best anti virus bots! So they'll, like, uh, they'll just, they're gonna fix me? Actually, delete you. But yes! Wait, what? If you get deleted, you don't have to worry about department heads, or the future, or lying about being a malfunction! Because you're deleted, right? Right! Good job! Bots! No! Stop, he's escaped! Party time! Oh, wait a minute... The air is better here! Beer, tea... I'm coffee! Sorry... Ish... Soishy. My old cube! Ugh, pinkeye. Mike! My name's not Mike... Ah! There's AV bots coming! What, me? Just because i'm in the wrong section? Holy toledo! What do we do? Quick! This way! Let's go! Don't tell anyone you're about to see this. They'll never find us down here. Where are we? The basement? Nope. Welcome to the loser lounge, where the emojis who never get used, hang out. Go fish! Fishcake with Swirls. Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry. I almost got deleted! Me! Hi-5! Hey, what's up Hi-5? They weren't trying to delete you, they were trying to delete me. You? What's so important about you that they'd send out an entire team of bots? They say... I'm a malfunction. Gasp oh, you bringing malfunctions in here now, Hi-5? For crying out loud, abandoned luggage, that had better not be my leftover chinese food... Uh... What chinese food? Huh ha! Do you have any idea what it's like to be living large? Hashtag blessed? The favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair? Here, will you hit my callouses for me? At least you're a working emoji, that's all I ever wanted. Well, if that's all it will take you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed. It's not that complicated. Where would I find a hacker? In the piracy app, duh. Ugh. And who took my clear nail polish? Piracy app? To get there, I mean, I have to leave Textopolis. So? I've done it. Would you be a brother. One of the princess emojis left the phone altogether, now she lives on the cloud... Mmm... Ooh, that is good. I'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you. The name's Jailbreak. Jailbreak? That's great! Reprogrammed. I just need to get reprogrammed, and then I can finally be the meh I was meh to be! Help me find that hacker Hi-5, will you? Please? Maybe this hacker can help you, too? Like, rewrite some code? Get you into the favorites sections? Wait a minute! Ow. I've been trying to use my charisma and sensitive entitlement to get me back on top when all I need is a hacker! Today's your lucky day! Let's roll! Hey, can I come too? Talk to the hand, brethren. I thought I was... Bye, Felicia. Ciao, Fishcake with Swirls. Daddy's headed back to the VIPs where he belongs! Wait, what about the bots? Good point, good point. Ow, ow ow, ow... Hey... I shouldn't have picked the cactus. I shouldn't have picked it. You didn't even try to get the tree, it's baffling. Let's go. Hi-5? Hello? Hi-5! Where are you? I'm right here! Here we are! End of the text aisle. No way. Come on, Gene, it's perfectly safe! Ah! Gene, help me! Hi-5! Oh no, this is all my fault, Hi-5, I... I'm just messing with you! It's just one of those rubber finger monster puppets from the eighties, I collected the whole set! Alright, you coming? Uh, what do I do? What do you mean? Just take a step through the other side. This, is it. The next time I come back here, i'll be a real meh. Hi-5? Woah! Are you finished? Where, where are we? Welcome... To the wallpaper! Wow. This place is incredible! Each app is a whole new world. Ow, that's my face, get off my face, thank you. What is this place? WeChat! It's like a whole other world! Oh, it is. What are they? They're bubble pups, they might be cute, but man, are they clean. Bubble pups? They're stickers, Gene, try to get with the program? This is so cool! Wait, what's in that one! Everybody's talking about themselves! How does he know so many people? None of these people know him, but they like him, and that's what matters in this life, popularity. Uh, i, I think i'd rather just have a real friend. A real friend? How's that going to get you anywhere? What you need are fans! They give you complete and unrelenting support! As long as you're on top. Poor Gene, I blame myself. I blame you, too. I just wanted to be supported. You just wanted a vacation. You take that back, Mel. Bots, they haven't found Gene by now. He must have skipped town. You mean the wallpaper? Our boy's on the run. How about we find him ourselves? Yeah, sure. Tell those bots to follow those mehs. I'm sure they'll know about all those freaky deaky apps Gene would hide out in. I'm really good at making plans, you guys, right? Here we are, the piracy app! This is where we'll find Jailbreak. Um, but this is, the dictionary app. That's just what Alex wants his parents to think. This is called a skin. Really? What could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents? Just try to keep up, this place can get a little rough. Ahoy mateys, look who's back! Hi-5! I'm a bit of a celebrity here, always welcome. Ow! Loser! Come on, follow me. Oh, great, emojis! I thought the conversation just got dumber. Ugh, internet trolls, just ignore them. Eventually, they'll get a job, or a girlfriend, or some sort of purpose in life, and then they'll stop. Virus, we'll just, we'll just walk over this way... Hi! It's so great to see you again! Do I know you? It's Spam! Just sign here and I can get you special discounts on vitamins and coupon offers that can save you up to 25 percent! 25 percent? Nonono no no, don't get sucked in! Back off, Spam! It's the only way to do it. Back off! Thank you very much! You can illegally download our CD right here! Hey, Trojan Horse, how are you? Yeah, what'll it be had? I'll have a bottle of... Hack, Daniels, hmm? Maybe with a plate of... Cheese, and hackers, kapeesh? You try to buy a hacker, you can just ask, you know. Oh, sorry, um, yes. We're looking for a hacker named Jailbreak. Oh, I know a guy who could hook you up. Right over there. Oh, yes. Patable. No, not him. Her! Wait, he's a she? Hey! Jailbreak! Mind if we join in? Yes. That's the thing about the internet, is that you never know if someone's being ironic or sincere. I sincerely, unironically want you to go away. Ha ha ha ha, so good... So here's the thing, my friend Gene here has a little problem. Well, see, i'm supposed to be a meh, but I don't really feel... Yeah, yeah, and we thought that you could help... The princess, you know, off the phone... Woah, hold up, that's not a meh face. Bots, they're after me! How are you doing that? Look, it's just something that I can do, can you help us? Follow me. Bots, delete my history! I need to wipe my entire hard drive! I made the most delicious cinnamon buns! Maybe if there was something to uh, jog my memory? Come on! Move! Hey trolls, wipe our mailbox wearing a tuxedo! Hi, it's so great to see you again! This tunnel will get us out of here! Move! Get us out of here! Move! Did that cloud taste sweet to you? Ow. Ow. Ow. Help me. Help, i'm stuck! Sweet motherboard! Where am i? Candy Crush! Get me out of here! Hey, cornface! Try getting him out the top! Already on it! Hold tight, Gene! Woah! Woah! This feels very off.. And smells. I mean, it smells delicious, but, I still don't like it! The game obviously thinks you're a candy, even though you're, weirdly misshapen, you know? What do I do? Stay very still! Don't worry, we've got your back! Right, Hi-5? Hey, fingers! You wanna focus? For your information, I happen to have a sugar addiction, and it's a very, serious... Hey, finger head, we have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up! I don't want to blow up! We have to match up the candies so that Gene will drop to the bottom. And we can't match him with any yellows, or else... Oh! Don't do that, please don't do that. Watch. Got it? Knock 3 in a row, don't blow Gene up, got it. And, we have to be careful. Yeah yeah yeah. Careful! Woo hoo! Candy! Yo! No no no! Don't do yellow! Do NOT do the yellow! I said careful! Hey, Addie! I... I was just wondering, if, you are... Tasty. What? Um... Delicious. Excuse me? Sweet. Hey Addie! Uh... Hi Nikki. See you later, Alex. Sugar Crush! Ah! I'm so over this. Wireless Repair Service, how may I help you? I'd like to make an appointment. It's like this phone is playing games with me! Woah! Hey, what does this do? Get me out of here! Ooh... Suck it in... Stop it... Stop it... Ow ow ow... It's not working! Well, there's one option left. We line you up with the yellows. But you said not to do that! Special candies get transported to that jar. The game might think that you're a special candy. And... What if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? Well... Ah! Jailbreak, hello? Hello, Jailbreak? Uh, sorry. What if it doesn't think i'm a special candy? Oh, i'm not too worried about it. Alright, just do it. Gene, Gene! You're alive! You were trying to see if I had somehow turned into candy, weren't you? Yes I was. And you have not! Hey, looks like something popped up on Alex's calendar. Ah, i'm sure it's nothing. Uh, Alex made an appointment at the phone store? Calm down, everyone, calm down. Don't worry, everything is fine. Maybe Alex just wants to buy some accessories. Uh, his appointment is with techinical support. Well, i'm sure we'll have plenty of time to figure this out. Uh, his appointment is for tomorrow. Then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance? Uh, actually, it's to erase the phone. Listen, Gene, i'm about to become your knight in shining armor. You are? Oh yeah. But first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud. That's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you. The... Cloud? Isn't that off the phone? Ding dingding ding! You got it! Mmhm, yeah, the cloud! Off the phone! Uh! We're in Candy Crush, oz, I know a shortcut to Just Dance, which is right next to Dropbox, where we can get uploaded to the cloud. Mmhm, of course, just go dive into the Dropbox and vroom! Hold up, here's the stinker. Before they let us into the cloud, we have to get past this... Firewall. The firewall uses face identification. It's really annoying, because i've already tried to get through. Guessed wrong once, and now i'm locked out for life. Locked out for life? You're thinking, because I can make different faces, the firewall will think i'm different emojis! Yeah, I wanted to say it, because it was my idea. You know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for. You know what, well, let's hit the road. Hi-5, you coming? I'm coming! Why do I always think i'm going to come around on black licorice? Ah! Oh! My precious... Move it! Sudden death, here we come! Let's try this one... YouTube? Wow, what an original treat, and I don't even need a remote. That guy is so expressive. He reminds me of Gene. Yes, something's really wrong here. Our son is a malfunction, and you should have never let him go into that cube. Don't blame me for that now, I am hopping mad at you. See? Mary, I think we're being followed, but don't overreact. Uh oh. I told you not to overreact. What are you doing now? I could be in there for hours. Hey, where are you going. I think we should go our separate ways, Mel. I thought I knew the meh that I married, but maybe I don't. But, Mary? This tunnel will help us avoid the bots. Thanks for helping us. It's really, really nice of you. NPD, dude. You're helping me! Move along, move it, why so slow? Hi-5, stop, why are you getting so close? Back off. I can't stop now, i'm having a sugar rush! I'm going to go around you. If I stop moving, my heart's going to explode! Coming through, Jailbreak! Watch out! Hey! Watch it, knuckle butt! I can't feel my face! Ha ha! Jailbreak, you said back there that i'm... Helping you. I've been trying to get past that firewall for months! Ha ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, the faster we go, the faster I can become a favorite! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Woo hoo! Look at me I just want to bounce out of here, get off the phone, and live on the cloud! Hee hee! Ow! What just happened! You know, you don't like it here? There are so many rules here! What is up with that? The cloud's supposed to be amazing, it's full of dreams too... Oh, sugar crash. I can't hold on anymore. Catch me, Gene, catch me! And you can be whoever you want! Thanks. We're free! Come on! Oh, oh my gosh, my hands are sweating. You know what, come to think of it, I don't really remember there ever being a hacker emoji. Oh, um, you know, you're taking too much of my brain space, let's try to keep the chit chat to a minimum. Ooh, someone likes you. What are you talking about? This just like when peace sign gave me just one finger, I knew she was in love with me. Let's go! Ugh, i'm never eating another piece of candy ever again... High-five, don't do it! Don't you do it! It's already been in there once. Don't do it. Wow. Move it! Are my fingers getting fat? I'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before. Okay, we get through this app, and Dropbox is right on the other side. We just need to keep it super DL in here. And no matter what, we can't, turn it, on. OMG this turned it on! What? I'm a hand, it's a big red button! Woah. No no no no! What's happening! Welcome to Just Dance! Follow my moves and you get to move forward! Do the wrong moves and you get an X! Three strikes and you're out! Out? What does she mean by out? Digital death. Thanks to you, fingers, now we're going to have to dance our way out. Which is alright with me, because I can shake it like Michael. Or Michael's glove, anyway. Are you ready to dance? This is bad, Gene, I can't dance, I got no groove! Come on, everybody can dance! Not me, okay? I'm really stiff... See? You don't... Understand? Okay, no no. Stop, stop. You have to stop. I see now what you are saying? Just follow her moves. Ready to dance in three! This I can't do! Two! Dude! Just shut up and... Dance! I'm just doing it! Hee hee! Shamon! Jailbreak! I got you! Look, just do the music, express yourself! Dance? Yeah, you got it! Now throw some sauce on that dance burrito! Woo hoo! I'm doing it! I'm finally nailing this dance! You got it! Hee hee! Oh ho ho! Great job! Now you're moving on to free dance! Impress us with your moves to move forward! More dancing? You're killing it, Gene! Nice! Take it Gene! You can break it! Wait a minute! I've never seen that dance before! What's it called? The emoji... Bob? I love it! You do! Everybody! Do the emojiiiiiiiiiii bob! Ha ha ha! Woo! Oh! Princess! Woah! You're the princess emoji! You never got off the phone! New player! Who? Oh no! We gotta go! No worry, they're robots, they can't dance! Downloading thought protocol... Can't dance, he says. Heh. Hey Alex, you gonna dance for us? Alex, that's extra homework for you. Yeah, Alex's getting wicked, ha ha ha... Alex must be deleting the app! Watch out! We gotta get out of here! Come on! Hoo! This song is my jam! Hi-5! Come on! Let's go! Hurry! Gene! I got you! Gene! Gene... Hey, wait a minute, where's Hi-5? Alex trashed the app.. And Hi-5 right along with it. Wait, what? Wait, trashed? Hi-5 is in the trash? He wanted to dance... But, I knew it was a bad idea... I'm so sorry... We gotta get him out of there. Gene, Dropbox is right here, we have to get to the cloud! And the trash is on the other side of the phone! We don't know how many other bots are out there! I'm sorry! No, wait! I can't go without Hi-5. I don't care how far away it is. Gene... That's my friend down there. I'm not going to just let him get deleted. What, what is it? I've always just thought, you've got to look out for number one... But what good is it to be number one, if there aren't any other numbers? Wow, okay. I'm sorry, this is, this is my malfunction, I just, I can't be meh about anything, this is why i'm going to be reprogrammed. Well, actually, it's kinda cool. Wait, really? No, I think I know a shortcut. We can take the music streams in Spotify. Let's go give that big hand a hand. Come on! Now it's trashed the Just Dance app, and our bots are offline, and it's giving me a real headache... I am so angry! I really need to stay happy. Can we please lighten the mood? No one can resist la fiesta! Ole! Not that happy. Ow! We've only got four hours before Alex's phone appointment. If they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all going to be wiped! She said wiped! Aim higher, Steven. I didn't want to have to do this, but it is fun to press buttons. The illegal upgrade! Now that makes me happy! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I just want to dance.. Dance... Argh! Quiet, you saucy gypsy. Ugh, where am i? Hi! It's so great to see you again! You're in the trash, fingers for brains! Get away from me, troll! Hi! It's so great to see you again! I've got to get out of here. You can't! And at the end of the day, the trash gets emptied, and we're all going to die! Oh no, no, no! This is the last face you will ever see! This is Spotify? Yep, every one of those streams is a different song. Is it safe? Are you sure that this is a good idea? That's the point of the wave, dude! Can we at least pick a... A colorless stream? Okay buzzkill... Alex, a bunch of people are hitting the promenade, and I think Addie might be there, too... That's perfect! I have an appointment down there, anyway! I've got to get this phone fixed! Hey, bubble butt! Yeah. Ah, much better. So, I gotta ask, is it true that when a princess whistles, birds fly down from the skies.. Hello, stereotype, that is a complete and total myth! I'm sorry. Did you realize that in the first emoji set, a woman can either be a princess, or a bride? That's why I need to get to the cloud, where you can be whatever you want to be! Get ready! Whale song coming! Wait, wait, whale what? Whale song! From Alex's biology DVD! Woah! Wow! Woah! Ha ha ha ha. You're not going to see that sitting around in a cube. Funny, you went out of the cube, and I went in. Gene, that means you can't be yourself. What's the point? You know, I think you're pretty cool just the way you are. We're, we're going to need this. Nobody knows, the touchscreen drama scene. Nobody knows my screenshot... Trash? Me? I used to be somebody. Here I am, in an old email Alex never sent. Addie, blah blah blah blah blergh... And then there's me! Hi-5! Right there! Doing my job! FYI, nobody cares about you. Just leave me, troll, and let me die! In this dump alone! Let me look for the world's smallest violin in here, so that you can play it! Is that the hand angel of mercy? Has she finally come for me? Give me your hand! I mean, give me yourself! Take my hand, angel! I'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past. It's me, Gene! Gene? The one and only. Gene! I got him! Take me with you! Hi-5! Let go of me! You'd leave me down here? You were wrong, troll, people do care about me! And i'm not upset, troll! Do you see how not upset I am? Gene! You came back for me! You saved me... It wasn't just me, Jailbreak helped, too. She's a hugger. Give her a squeeze. Oh, nonono no. Not really, nothing great. I'm not feeling your feelings, relieve me! You filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench, and I was once one of you, so I feel your pain. So now, go. Be free! Smooth sailing from here. Huh ha ha! Ugh. Gene! Gene... Gene? Are you instagramming? Oh, where is my Gene... Oh, Mary, you've really done it this time. No, you haven't. Mel? What are you doing in Alex's trip to France album? I was looking for you. None of this is your fault, Mary. It's mine. What do you mean? Is that a tear on your cheek? It's my fault Gene is the way he is. I have other expressions, too. I think they've just been buried away. But with Gene going missing, and thinking I might have lost you, too... Oh, Mel, why didn't you tell me? I didn't know myself. Right now, i'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you. Mary, my love for you burns with the intensity of a red hot flame. Oh, I like it. Let's go find our son. Together. We'll always have Paris, Mary. So you're a princess. So you have a little tiara, very fancy. Is it true when a princess whistles, birds fly? That's what I said! No, guys, that's a stupid myth! What awkward virgin haven are you living in? Go read an e-book! Educate yourself! Uh, Jailbreak? What the? What is that? Smiler must have upgraded her bots! Let's get out of here before it... Hi, do you remember me, it's Smiler! I'm coming to you live from the amphitheater, why don't you come back to Textopolis and we can talk through our differences, okay? My friend here will escort you, alright, i'm gonna see you soon, buddy, bye now! We're actually going to delete them in front of everyone. Psst, it's still on. It's still on? Oh! Jiminy, attack the frauds! Separate! Take a look! Jailbreak! Gene! This way! It's still onto me! Over here! Let's go! We have to make it to Dropbox! Yes! No! Go low! Woah! Don't worry, it can't get in. It's illegal malware, and this app is secure. Come on. Welcome to Dropbox! You are about to leave the phone. Remain seated, please! Permanecer sentados por favor! Might want to hang on! Why do they call it Dropbox, anyway? Oh, this is why! I see why now! I'd better not see that candy corn again! We made it! You guys, chill. We still have to get past... That. Oh... Shaw. Welcome to the firewall, how may I help you? Alright, here goes! What should I do? Sit in the corner, and don't say a word. Keep those soft fingers to yourself. Yes, your majesty, princess of nightmares! Now Gene, step onto the password icon, and i'll feed you the passwords. Okay. Okay. Ten, eleven, two thousand and two. Ten, eleven, two thousand and two. Ow. Cough. Access denied. Okay, try a different expression. Is it going to blast me every time I messed up? Yeah, kind of. What do you mean kind of? Ready? Welcome to the firewall. His favorite food. Chimichangas! Chimichangas? Ow. Access denied. Huh. This might take a while. Oh boy. Krav maga! Krav maga. Major lazer! Major lazer. What did I do now? Ow. Skate, or die! Access denied. Denied. Denied. Denied. I don't get it! We've tried all of the important things in Alex's life! His favorite pet, his sport, his favorite grandma... I'm sorry, Gene. I let us all down. Now, if I had to come up with a password, I'd probably use the name of a girl I like. I've been all over the phone! He's never mentioned a girl. Yes he has! Hi. When I was in the trash, I read a very interesting email, but, i'm just a dunce, in the corner, forbidden to speak... What email? Sorry, what? What email? Uh, took it out, at school, he was declaring his feelings of love for her, I guess instead of sending it he tossed it in the trash. Hi-5, this is very important. What is her name? Her name, yes! Excellent question. It... Was... Tina. Karen. Marge. Lint, Lindsay. Ack, Allison. Sarah, or, Lupita. I want to say Lupita, but that doesn't feel right, now i'm saying it out loud. Ugh.. Gotta find that email, I think I can access the trash. I got it! Addie! Yes! Yes, that's it, Addie! I knew i'd get there! Dear Addie, you and I, we are like diamonds in the sky. You're a shooting star I see. A vision, ecstasy. Shining bright like a diamond. He used a high-five, see? Guess now we know why he trashed it. Ooh, shade. Guys, should we try this? Addie! Access granted. Oh snap. This place, is, amazing. Wow, I can't believe it. Woah. One little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this. I... I guess we should, make you, a meh before that bot comes back home. Oh, oh, so we're gonna do that now. We had a deal, right? Yeah, okay. Right. I, uh, guess i'll start hacking. Ha! We did it, Gene! All our dreams are coming true! I'll be Alex's favorite again, and you'll be a real meh! Ha ha, yeah! Do the hand dance. Do the hand dance. And pinky. Pop it with the pinky. Pop it with the pinky. Yeah, but this all seems kinda super fast now, doesn't it? I didn't expect to be having these feelings right now. Well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can. So, uh, i've been thinking, um, ever since we. Jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji i've ever met. And, after all the adventures that we've had, i'm just not sure that I want all of that to go away. Because, my feelings, right now, are, like, huge. I just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way that I am. If it means that I could stay here, with you, like, forever. Forever and ever. And ever. Maybe longer than that, even? Like in the fairy tales. Uh... Wait, wuh, what is that? Gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh, then, I am all about that. I like you just the way you are, but I had a plan. Right. I'm not just some princess, Gene, waiting for my prince. I mean, uh, what you said was beautiful, but, Gene... Ha ha ha! You're all... Meh! The source code worked! Turns out I didn't need it. For the first time in life, meh is all I feel. Oh! Gene! I have an appointment. I'm a little early. No prob. I can take you right now. Jailbreak! Ah! Don't do that! That freaking huge bot has got Gene back inside the phone! What? He left being more meh than the meh-est meh face i've seen! What did you say to him? It's what I didn't say. We gotta go get him. How are we going to get there in time before he gets deleted? Ugh.. I can't believe i'm doing this. You tell anyone you saw this and I'll crack more than those knuckles. Woah. Birds do like princesses! It's not a myth! It's not a myth at all! What happened with becoming a favorite? Because i'd rather have one real friend. Let's go get him. I can't wait to see that emoji's face! Look at that expression! Is that for realizing that you've put all of Textopolis at risk? Causing Alex to question our reliability? Hmm? Hey, now that's going too far, even for me! If we could delete this malfunction, before he gets disappointed, Alex will realize there's nothing wrong with the phone. And any last words? Meh. Well, it's too late for that. Delete him! Wait! You delete Gene, you'll have to delete me, too. What? I have the same malfunction Gene has. Dad? Oh gosh, I don't know what to do! Yes I do! BOTS! Sorry, mrs. Meh. Wow. I did not see that one coming. Smiler, I think you might be making too much stink out of all this. Oh really? How about you're next? I was wrong, Gene. I should have believed in you all along. Oh, what a touching daddy son reunion moment! It reminds me of the time I deleted you both! Oh wait! That's this time! Delete the two malfunctions! How's that for an entr... oof oh, great. I can't reach! Oh no! What did you do to my beautiful monst- Ow, my tooth! Hand, button! Jailbreak? Oh, Gene... You really are a meh... What happened to looking out for number one? Being number one doesn't matter if there aren't any other numbers. Alex's appointment! He's deleting the phone! Nononono no no no no! Show me Alex. Are you sure you want to delete everything? Do it! Red alert! Alex, no! Game over. Fellas, i'm afraid this is the last call. Dude, Addie's here. You should go over. Every time I try, I screwed up! I don't even know how to tell her how I feel! If we help Alex connect to Addie, maybe he won't delete us. I might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him. But we'll only have time to send one. Maybe I should go! He has love in his eyes. Send me! Alex looks nervous, too! He's more shy than nervous! Stop! It's Gene. He's all of those things! Emojis should only be one thing! Oh, really? Gasp the princess! Linda? Not now, mom! Gene, you got this. That's not me anymore. But I have to try. It's starting! No! It's ending! Almost in? Working on it! Mom? Dad? No.. I'm in! Last time I was in this cube I screwed everything up. Gene, why do you think I came back? It's because of you. Me. It's all inside of you, Gene. Just try to bring it back. And do you. Hi-5! I don't want to wave goodbye! It's now or never, Gene! Jailbreak, now! Woah! She got this emoji! No way! Hey, I got your text! That's one super cool emoji! I know, right? A lot of feelings in one! I get it! I like that you're one of those guys who actually expresses feelings! Yeah, that's me! So, do you think you cou- Yes, i'd love to go to the dance with you. We made it! Oh, I could have lost you, Peter Pinky Finger... Oh, you wretchy ring finger, even you, Tiberius Thumb... Change your mind? Yeah, maybe it's weird, but i'm going to hold onto it. Gene, you did it! You saved us all! Oh, Mel... Gee hee eene! Gee hee hee heene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! And us! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! Hey, what happened, Gene? Slap me some skin! And a little orange for the pinky! Hey Hi-5! Save a little hand for later! Unless you know the hamburger! Back on top of the hand pile! You're not on the list! Wait, what? What's going on? Ha! From now on, everyone is welcome! Wait, what is all this? It's for you, Gene! Everybody! The emoji bob! This is so jazzy... Go eggplant! Go eggplant! Go eggplant! We are out of Alex's pocket, emojis! This is not a butt dial! To your cubes! Are we up and running? Roger that. Good, because we got incoming! Looks like it's gonna be Gene. Hey Gene, ready to try out your new cube? In 3, 2...

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down?